MY HEROES
LATEST STORIES
“I got stabbed six years ago”
Abu, Broadwater Farm Estate, London
“Focus on the dreams you always wanted to do as well as think about the consequences based your own actions if you were to do this to someone else. Think about the damage it can leave to not only yourself but your family and the other family. You don’t want to leave another family devastated and you don’t want them to have a negative perception about you as well. Have a good support system in place so you’re able to navigate out of these problems as well. Keep your head up high and keep striving for greatness. Challenges are always going to become hard. Don’t change the idea change the plan in order to achieve the goal that you want to achieve. By the end of it, you’ll see the results come. Gradually and progressively.”
“I got stabbed six years ago. I think it was just one of those life-changing things for me. The person that I knew at the time basically backstabbed me. They felt like I was backing the wrong person whereas the person I had the information with kind of told me what was going on before everything kind of escalated and kicked off so I think it was one of those kinds of things. It was; definitely uncomfortable, definitely devastating, depressing, heartbroken, downhearted. There were so many negative emotions you could use to describe what really happened. I was in hospital for nearly three weeks. I couldn’t move my arm, it was definitely painful. Obviously, at first, it was two weeks but I thought I would stay an extra week just because of the safety of the area I was in at the time. They only got convicted for four years so they came out, they done two.”
“There is always something bigger than life and you know that gang activity is always short. Life is temporary but the most you can get out of it is to get yourself out of the hood and support your brothers based on the route that you’re able and those you’re in a collective with. By producing music, yes it is violent, but there’s a lot that goes into it based on their own experiences. In this area, there are six people I like to listen to. I like to listen to Headie One, Abra, Double LZ, Bando, SJ and Izzpot. I think these six, they’ve done more than enough. If you listen to their music it’s violent however it does portray the real lived experience. I think that’s what the media don’t really portray that much. Take Headie and Abra for example you’re not really going to hear much about them until the MOBOs or the Grammies but what about all the people who grew up in the area who are influenced by something good to make a change in their life. The media just plays with the past. That’s tough to overcome. They’re already in a group collective anticipating when you’re going to do something bad and if you get drawn into it that’s what happens. That happened to SJ, he’s still got 16 to go. He was a good rapper but because he was drawn into the lifestyle that’s what happens. The gang life is not really worth it.”
“A wise guy can never think those kinds of things”
Muhammad, South Kilburn Estate, London
“I’m contented. People try to duck and dive, do wrong things. Too much intoxicated with this world and do all awful things and injustices. Wickedness. You don’t need to moaning and groaning. It’s plentiful for everybody. More you greedy more you fool yourself. That’s why; lots of people, young, even English people, educated people, they have depression. They got stress. They got uneasy life. They want that, they want that. That will never end. That’s the way of the devil. God almighty gave you potential. Try your best and whatever you can achieve be contented. You will live longer. I am nearly 80 years old. In your life you have ups and downs and as time goes by forget about the past. If your today good your tomorrow will be also good. That means if present is good, future is good. If you keep going back into the past you’re not going to achieve anything. Nothing is going to be changed. All you do is psychologically, physically and spiritually harm yourself for no reason
“Be positive, always positive. Hope for the best. Be kind to all and every community. One god make us and don’t go like a sheep. Think! If somebody says something, think.You cannot take goodness out of badness. Violence, wrongdoings, drugs, robbing, stealing, dishonesty it’s a madness. A positive guy, a wise guy can never think those kinds of things. More you live simple, more you have a better taste of life and your health is the crown of your life.”
“Society itself is corrupt. The system in this world is not good. They only play politics with people’s lives. We must have some principles in life. Freedom or what? Freedom, yes… if it’s beneficial to society and to yourself and your family. Not freedom to do what you like. Like a cat and dog. When you lose yourself in such a way that means you are no longer human. You have no respect for nobody. You’re looking. You lust. And you have a good time. That’s what they say, that Englishmen are a good time. What good time, what is that? You are damning yourself and damning the community you live in.”
“I’m going to get a knife and kill you mummy”
Shauna, Cottingley Estate, Leeds
“I’ve got really bad anxiety and depression and you just get left. I haven’t seen a doctor in over a year. It’s horrible. You have good weeks you have bad weeks. The anxiety is worst. That’s why I walk him a lot because if I’m with him I’m not anxious. If there are too many people, I leave. Last year I had a bad week and I passed out while I was watching the kids. My little boy learnt how to call my mum off my phone: ‘mummy can’t breathe.’ My oldest has been influenced a lot by YouTube. There’s a lot of videos he shouldn’t be watching so I’ve got to keep an eye on him”
“They get shown a lot more than they should see a lot younger. The other week he went: ‘I am going to get a knife and kill you Mummy’ and I’m like: ‘what have you been watching?’ It shouldn’t even be in his mind. You’ve just got to monitor them. It’s mainly people who play games and then change the content inside the game. That’s what I’ve noticed anyway because that Huggy Wuggy was just a game at one point and then. They’re not grown-up enough for it. There’s a lot of youngsters around here that cause trouble, it’s usually vandalism. They go in courts over there where all the old folk live and set the fire alarm off in the middle of the night and stuff like that. They’re just bored”
“We all had stuff to do, and they don’t have owt to do. The youth van started coming on but they had to stop because of the abuse. A lot of people on the estate have taken it upon themselves to try and get the ASBO team in. There’s not much you can do if kids are getting into there at two or three in the morning, they should be in bed. There’s not much any other people can do except their parents. It annoys me because if it was my kids I’d knock seven bells out of them. It’s lazy parenting. My grandad was a copper, so I grew up with: ‘do as you’re told’ that’s it: ‘No ifs, buts or maybes.’ You just do as you’re told it’s that simple. And kids just don’t get that anymore. You’re not allowed to chastise them. I don’t mean beating them, I just mean like now and again. Even putting them in a corner and making them sit there, they’ve banned it. It’s a blanket punishment, I don’t get why because it just gives you time to reflect on something and you know. You’ve done wrong, think about it. It teaches you respect.”
“I will play until i win a game”
Shawn, Walker Estate, Newcastle
“Most of the people in my school have problems. That’s one of the reasons why I am there because I’ve got anger problems.” What triggers you to become angry? “When someone talks about my family.” Is that something that happened before? “Yes, loads. I just go off it. I will just shout at them saying: ‘why are you saying that? I haven’t done anything to you.’ Why do you care about your family so much. “I really love them.” They’ve always had your back? “Yep.” There’s always been food on the table? Little presents at Christmas, stuff like that? “They do everything.” What kind of things do you watch on YouTube? “Funny videos.” Shawn pauses. “Other things.” What do the other lads at school watch on YouTube? “Swearing videos… Racist videos and that. It’s like a song where people say the N-word and they sing it all the time.” Do you have any dreams or aspirations for when you grow up? “I want to be a YouTuber. I’d be a Fortnite streamer.” What’s your best kill game? Have you had a ten-kill game? “I’ve actually had a fifteen-kill one.” Shawn rests his chin on his first with a proud look in his eye. What does it make you feel like when you get to the final two and then you see that victory banner come up? “I’m like get in!” Shawn beams, nods and beams again.
Is that one of your favourite parts of the day? “Aye”.” How many games would you normally have to play to win a game? “I would play until I win a game.” What time can that be in the evening? Does that sometimes go past midnight? “Sometimes aye.” Shawn nods again but this time looks down at his feet. “When you wake up in the morning are you too sleepy for school?”Yep. But I still go to school because I need to.” I asked Shawn if he has a mobile phone. “No.” Why do you not have a mobile phone? Nana says with a loving smile on her face “He goes on mine all the time”. Shawn: “I really want a mobile phone but me mam and da’ won’t let us get one.” Do some of the boys at school have mobiles? “Yep.” Do you get jealous? “Yep. Because most of the kids at my school are younger and they still get phones.” Shawn picks up the skin on his fingers.
“Run, Run Run from Swansea
Charlene and Dan, Wind Street, Swansea
“Charlene, I am. 32. I moved to Swansea when I was 17. I met the father to my children. He was violent and controlling. I became homeless when I was 22. But I’m loving life, I don’t take drugs. I like a drink now and again” She kisses Dan on the head: “And I found the sexiest man alive. I’ll be in his bed tonight, in the doorway.”
Dan: “I came out of jail three weeks ago. It is what it is.” What were you in for? “Bladed articles times three, first strike. Criminal damage to a police van and burglary, but as the driver.” Charlene: “I can drive… men up the wall.” Dan: “I was homeless on and off from the age of 13. The only thing I felt safe with was carrying a blade” Charlene: “Bad innit.” So did some elders in the community bring you in? “yeah, brought me in and showed me the ways innit. It’s what I chose and I mixed with the wrong people, and I wish I didn’t now, but I don’t regret it because I’ve learnt a lot. But obviously, this is what I’m trying to tell youngers and show them this isn’t the way.” What have you learnt? “Not to be a dickhead.”
Charlene: “Domestic abuse is not just violence it’s mind games, for 10 years my baby’s’ dad played mind games. Convinced me it was me, controlling: ‘do this, do that, you can’t go there.’ As soon as I see the signs I’m gone. I said I’d never let another man control me or be aggressive. If you’ve got no trust there’s no relationship innit”. Dan “As long as you’re loyal and truthful, you can do what you want. Go where you want. Wear what you want”. Charlene: “I had a bad upbringing violent. Violence is normal to me because my parents were violent”. Dan “That’s probably all she knows. All I know is Road. I was in care at the age of 10. Getting on the train to go and make money. Going cunch init.” I ask Dan what advice he would give the ten-year old version of himself “Just wise up, that’s all I say. You’re vulnerable at that age , you dont know nothing, all you know is making money because that’s how you can feel good and survive. You’ve got like a grand, two grand in your pocket. You feel good at the age of 13. That’s the way I seen it, I felt good. I didn’t have to beg off of nobody, I could take a bird out, I could look after everyone and feel good in myself.” Do you hold any resentments toward the people who at the time got you into that? “No, not really, I don’t hold grudges, unless you talk about my dead dad, then you’ll be running innit. Because I will kill you innit. That’s all I knew, and they showed me a lot of things. They opened my eyes to a lot of things. “I’ll open your eyes for you,” says Charlene as she pulls back Dan’s eyelids. Dan, “But I can’t fault them”.
Charlene: “Don’t trust men.” Dan: “Good luck. Find the right path in life. There’s good and evil. So find the one, that’s all you can do innit.”
“He’s not in prison for it”
Kathleen, A Certain Estate, Swansea
“I’m not in a good point in my life at the minute. I’ve just lost a partner of 14 years. I woke up in the morning and found him dead next to me in the bed. Overdosed off of pregabalin. Choked in his sleep. When I woke up, he passed away. So I’m finding it difficult since he’s gone. So, yeah, I’ve got bad on the drugs. Been taking crack and heroin just a blank it out. I’m not a very big drinker, but I have gone bad on the crack and I take heroin just to blank things out basically. Not that I want to take them, God no. I really don’t want to be on them, but once heroin grabs hold of you, it’s a hard drug to come off. Three days and it’s got a hold of you. I’ve been on it for about 10 years now. I’ve been clean throughout the 10 years like, I’ve been to rehab, I’ve been into a domestic violence unit because I got beaten by my partners a few times. So I have been clean, I’ve got clean for two years. Tried to fight for my children back.” Kathleen shakes her head. Her hands are occupied with a screwdriver which I’ve seen her use to push a piece of gauze through a glass toot to collect leftover heroin residue.
I’ve got really low self-esteem. I suffer bad with depression and anxiety, and I’ve got post-traumatic stress disorder from past relationships. I went through a lot with my ex-partners until I was literally dead on the floor. Had me choked out, I was seeing stars. Scary. Strapped me in a chair, wouldn’t let me go toilet, made me pee myself. Nasty things like.” But things don’t start like that do they? “When I first met him, he was lovely. He was making me meals. He was good as gold and I thought: ‘oh he’s a lovely boy. I’ll stick with him.’ But it got into a few weeks then it just went to hell. It was hell. He started controlling me. He wouldn’t let me see my family, wouldn’t let me out of the house. I always had to be with him. You know what started it? I was with my partner, the one I found dead, he went to prison. I thought I can’t keep doing this. Prison and prison for 13 years. Back-and-forth back-and-forth back-and-forth. I just couldn’t do it anymore, so I moved on. Then he wrote me a letter and got it sent to the flat and the partner I had found he open the letter and he read that: ‘Oh I still love you.’ That started it all off. That weren’t my fault that he sent me a letter. Nothing I could’ve done about that is there? Now I’m out of that. The night he tried to kill me I phoned the police and got him arrested. I had to. There’s a mark on my flat now so you can’t go anywhere near it. If something happened in my flat now and I rang the police they’ll be there in seconds. So I feel safe in that way but it’s just scary you know. I see him out on the street. He’s not in prison for it.”
Rattling, it’s awful; you can’t go to bed, you’re aching you’re sweating, you just can’t move or do nothing until you’ve had that fix. I don’t use needles. I just smoke it on the foil. I haven’t used needles for about seven years now since I had the fright.I had a blood clot in my leg. That finished it then, that frightened me.” You see a lot of bad legs in the street, don’t you? “Yeah, a few of my friends have lost their legs. It’s madness. They still inject, it’s crazy. They’re just thinking: ‘oh, I’ve got to get that’ and they’re not thinking: ‘I’m going to lose my other leg.’ That’s all you think: ‘oh I need to get better, I need to get better.’ I know it’s not the way to be. I’m just telling you the truth. (It started as) Just a really nice feeling as if you’re really relaxed. There’s nothing going through your mind, just forgetting everything. I thought: ‘This is helping me loads.’ But as I got further and further through the days, it was nasty then. You’ve got all the clucking coming then, haven’t you? You’ve got the consequences to come but I didn’t know all of that then, did I?” (…) “You won’t believe the amount of people who smoke crack in Swansea. Crack everywhere. I was sitting in Castle Gardens in town the other day and the little boy came over to me. He was only about 13. He said: ‘do you want to buy any crack or any weed.’ I said: ‘how old are you boy’ and he started laughing. I swear to God he must’ve been about 12 or 13. He was only about that small. I said: ‘no I don’t do it boy.’ You know because he was so young I thought no chance. You’ve got all the young boys walking around and selling it, it’s madness. I know it’s bad being on the heroin and the crack but there is more to life than that. There are people out there that can help you. You’re not on your own, there will always be someone there for you. Just go to speak to someone out there.”